Thoughts of Thirst

"As the hart panteth after the water brooks,
so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
when shall I come and appear before God?"

Ps. 42:1,2

God has a way of haunting me. In YWAM [red. "Youth With A Mission" - an interdenominational short term mission organization, largely focused on youth also rumoured to be the second largest volunteer-based organisation after the Catholic Church] I learnt that I could 'in some way obtain very relevant verses of scripture by asking God if He had anything to say.' This time I flipped to this psalm.

Lately, I'm beginning to realise that my main and very central problem with God is (as expected, had I asked myself), me. Since I read Psalm 42 a couple of weeks ago I've been unsettled, drawing out time so as to avoid discomfort.

"If any man will come after me,
let him deny himself, and take up
his cross, and follow me."

Matt.16:24

Its this with the cross and the self-denial. Remarkable how humanism reacts allergically to self-denial (and so have I as of late..) but I am certain that the self-denial humanism condemns is another, unhealthy, kind of self-denial. Matt. 16:24 must be, I believe, also be read in context with, "Love your neighbour as yourself," which clearly stresses the need to love one self. Indeed, the self-denial asked for in the Bible is the exact same as that of the self-denial that is inevitable when it is in relation to love. Just notice all the people who proclaim that they would walk 500 miles and even love unto death on the FM waves.

So to summarise and clarify, I don't want the discomfort of denying myself, my lusts, my 'flesh.' I just don't want to!

But doesn't this lead onto another problem: my view of living in a way that is pleasing to God is merely a uncomfortable, perhaps painful, disciplinarily and morally motivated, dry and incredibly boring lifestyle? Its not, something keeps telling me, and I think its my immaturity making a scene of things. With 'age' must come a living for the greater picture and especially the greater picture which one's daily life tirelessly paints, yes, a lifestyle which is in accordance with the general direction of one's life. Its in this sense I refuse to believe that I'm not ageing!

The problem with this is when to make the transition to this pleasing life. Too soon, and I'm petrified of falling back into my old role with constantly trying to live up to a moral set of rules and regulations. Too late, and I'm a failure to myself and to those dependant on me.

I want it to come spontaneously and from the heart. (Wonderful cliché by the way..) I want to love God and let that be the reason for a righteous and generously self-sacrificial life. But how to start loving God?

Some time ago I wrote about surrounding myself with music and thinking of myself as a musician. Now I love music and am commited to it. I'm prepared to spend 16,000 on a guitar to let myself inspire! "Faith comes from hearing," and so, to some extent, does love.

"My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
When shall I come and appear before God?"
I feel my soul every day, thirsting, and to you who is prejudiced against faith in something outside the realm of the immediate: I have tasted and seen before and long for it again.